i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
ugly people sure do ruin things
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Randomize
