i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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