Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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