Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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