I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
You dont lie about slip and slides
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
