I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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