you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
