I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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