i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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