Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
