At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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