At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
