dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
