Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
