i don't really know how much tequila is too much
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
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I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
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I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
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