Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
