How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Well I just put wine in my tea
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
