as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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