My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
