you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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