highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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