just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
