I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
