you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
