I hope mine doesn't look like that
He kissed a someone with a penis
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
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I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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