He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.