I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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