You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
