from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
