My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize