DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
