i already hear my dad disowning me
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
