his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize