Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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