fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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