Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
