I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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