could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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