Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
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I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
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