Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Who died my cat blue again?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
