This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
