Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
