Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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