No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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