Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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