RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
