I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
