I want to have your abortion
zippers are such a cool invention
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
