Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
