I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
