someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Randomize
