Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
