Do you still have your period?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
