can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
