I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
