I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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